From Fake Honesty to Real Honesty

With as much emphasis as I place on honesty, you think I’d do a better job of it sometimes.

My life is somewhat of a lie right now. It’s not a lie in the sense that I’m intentionally deceitful or manipulating people to get what I want. Rather, I’m guilty of the lie of omission.

I’m living a duality at the moment. On the one side there’s Taylor the Engineering Graduate Student. People at work know some of what I’ve been going through and they know what I do pretty much every day at school. But when I get home, I take off that hat and become Taylor the Creative. Indeed, it is like removing a hat because when it’s off, I don’t put another one back on. The grad student hat is a part of a character I feel I have to play.

My changed values have been separate from where I spend a majority of my time. Nobody really knows I want to be a writer. Very few people know I’ve been blogging and want to restart my Better Grad Student blog. Some folks know I’m an atheist, minimalist, mostly vegan, and barefoot runner, but even more don’t. Everybody still thinks I’m on track to graduate in a year and go take a high paying job that makes me halfway miserable but comes with a good paycheck.

They don’t see the Taylor that wants to live on his own terms and not do the 9-5 thing.

But that’s going to change very soon. On wednesday, my divorce is finalized and I become a single person in the eyes of the law. The next chapter, if you will, of my life begins as another closes.

Soon after, I plan to eliminate the gap between my personas. I will merge my old twitter account with my new one. I’ll share my blog with others. My profile pics will be updated and my physical self will be congruent with my digital self. I’ll stop living in shadow and being afraid of how others will perceive who I’ve become.

People will know that I want to write and be more ‘artsy’. They’ll know that I want to earn money online in a location-independent manner. It will become readily apparent that I have no intention of finding a traditional job right out of grad school.

It’s scary, but it needs to happen. To be able to achieve my dreams and really be fulfilled and successful I need to be honest about who I am. I can’t pretend to be one thing at the office and another online. It’s just not going to work. And it stops this week.

Over the past few months I’ve built up the courage to first define better who I am, what I want, and what fulfills me. I’ve also built up the courage to say those things out loud to myself and close friends. Now’s the time to share it with the world.

Honestly, though, it scares me. There will probably be some people that don’t get it. That’s okay. It’s not their life. As long as I’m confident in my beliefs and choices, then who cares what others think? Will it be uncomfortable and awkward at times? Yes. Is it worth it?

Hell yes.

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4 Responses to From Fake Honesty to Real Honesty

  1. Margaret April 3, 2012 at 2:12 pm #

    Taylor- just found your blog through Niall Doherty’s, and feeling about the same place you are. I’ve got a countdown clock in my head for when I’m going to quit my job and become full-time freelance creative, but meanwhile I’m doing all of the platform-building in my spare time.
    I’ve shared my plans with many of my friends, but no one from work, for obvious reasons. How do you not insult someone by telling them doing what they’re doing makes you feel dead inside?
    So here’s to moving on and up and out and one with the world, and feeling truly happy with ourselves. Cheers! You can do it! :-)

    • Taylor April 4, 2012 at 6:07 pm #

      I completely understand. Even if you mean no offense, it can still seem fairly hurtful to tell somebody that the life they’ve chosen is not for you because it makes you feel dead inside. It makes them question their own decisions and very few people can respond well to that. It definitely is a tough situation that I know is coming down the pipeline for me.

      Best of luck you on your journey! For what it’s worth, you’re doing the right thing! You deserve to be happy with your life and yourself. You can do it too!

  2. Courtney April 24, 2012 at 7:18 pm #

    Hey! Just finding this blog. A lot happens when I’m never around in Nash I see. But i think all of this is great! So you don’t want to do chemE anymore? Totally normal. My best friend was a chemE, went to get her MBA cause she was dissatisfied, and as a result just moved to Berlin for a year w Coca-Cola. Life changes! I wouldn’t worry too much abt what people at work think. For many engineers there isn’t much life outside of work so it’s hard for them to process.

    When I was at the refinery and miserable I said to myself “if you can’t find the light at the end of the tunnel, start digging out the side” granted, I’m heading back to my old company but in a job I find MUCH more interesting and stimulating. So it worked out I guess!

    Good luck. You’ll do great!

    • Taylor April 30, 2012 at 11:29 pm #

      Thanks Courtney! It’s nuts how life changes and how the path that I thought I was wasn’t the one for me. I still enjoy the challenge of ChemE, but i feel like I have more to offer.

      Congrats on getting a job that makes you happy. Seriously. Best of luck to you too :)

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